Dogs and Sweaters
Did you know that Americans spend more on their pets than their own people? Really. I mean there’s an entire aisle of food in the human grocery store solely dedicated to pets. Not to mention the stores. I can’t even figure out what I want on a trip to Kroger; I thought the dog was supposed to be a no-brainer.
Does my dog really care to have cheese on his hamburger-flavored pellets? Is it time for him to go on a diet? Point is that your dog has more options than you do most nights. So, who decided they needed to be fed like lords and dressed like them too?
One day this past winter, I’m shoveling the snow off the driveway, freezing my caboose off. And this snooty Poodle-Doodle follows my freshly cleaned trail from the sidewalk to the driveway. He’s wearing earmuffs and a scarf. Mind you, his winter accessories cost more than my entire outfit. Like his natural winter coat isn’t enough. Anyway, this guy has the audacity to come into my driveway, with his Gucci boots, and poops right on the spot I had just cleaned off!
These snooty, Prima Doggies have the nerve to walk over to my yard, look me in the face, point their backsides to me and shit right on my lawn. All because they are wearing a cashmere sweater?
I’m telling you there is nothing that bothers me more than dogs with sweaters. Or dogs with jackets, jewelry, hats, vests, shoes. Like God didn’t know what he was doing when he made paws-they need four little water-resistant boots in the winter too?
It’s not just the clothing either-it’s their entire lifestyle. Some owners freak out when they leave their pets at home. So they don’t. They drop them off at these little doggie hotels where they are pampered for a week (not going to lie, my wife is one). They call and leave messages. They pay for video surveillance and flat screen suites. Some of us just have the neighbors check in once every few days.
It’s “my dog graduated,” and “my dog stopped eating his own shit,” and “my dog actually rings a bell when she wants to go outside.”
Don’t get me wrong, I love my dog and can’t imagine coming home without the little freak jumping on me. I just think we need to step back once in awhile. Maybe give a bum a Jr. Cheeseburger and save the dog’s filet for next week?
You know what I want? I want a chimpanzee so I could teach him to walk my dog and pick up her poop. Can you imagine the neighbors’ reaction? “There goes that Trimp Chimp again, who does he think he is? I mean he isn’t even wearing any pants! What nerve!” I’d teach that Chimp to fling all his poo on the poodle’s front porch.
Dogs are already being medicated for depression and getting braces. What’s next? Colored contact lenses and hair extensions?
Lemme hear it.
