The Sword in the Stone
The little diamond betrothed around a woman’s finger during an engagement could quite possibly be one of the most powerful elements on planet Earth. That moment, when you are down on one knee or foolishly displayed on the Jumbotron at the ballgame, is the moment when you possess the utmost power as a man. Because the very next moment, when the ring leaves your hand and transfers to her finger, so too does your power. Any say you thought you had flies out the window quicker than your beer bong and favorite college T. From this time forward, the 2-month salaried stone has an unmatched stranglehold over a man-not unlike one of those ventriloquist puppets with a hand up their ass.
And, I blame that dude named Jared, or better yet, DeBeers. Ever since his advertising campaign in the early 20th century coined the infamous slogan, “A diamond is forever,” women have been salivating over stones like mortgage brokers at a college graduation.
Or maybe we should point the finger at the jewelry store sales lady and her fancy 4 C’s: Color, Clarity, Cut, and Carat. What they don’t teach you is the 5th C-Choice. As in, one of the most important one’s you’ll ever make. And, don’t be fooled by the choices either. Unless your name rhymes with Mitt or Feckham, you probably aren’t getting straight A-quality C’s. No, most Joe’s are looking at these picks:
1) Huge carat/urine color.
2) Flawless clarity/“That’s it?” type carat.
You weigh your options. And just hope they’re heavy enough.
You see, this ring is more than just a symbol of a loving symbiosis. It’s more than just “for better or worse.” This ring is a huge, blinking billboard advertising just how good you are and how good she’s got it. It shows how much you are worth in the eyes of your fiancée’s family, friends, neighbor, hairstylist and dog walker. You are immediately slapped with a giant price tag on your forehead, and there will be no returns at this store. Not to mention the fact that the entire community can plausibly figure out your yearly income by simply multiplying the perceived value of the ring by six. To put it bluntly, you are putting your love, your commitment and your bank account proudly-or shamefully-on display for the entire world to see. It’s a truly humbling moment, especially when the next guy gets engaged and his girl starts wrist-flopping her ring around a high-pitched room of friends. Right after his promotion.
Now, before a guy goes and pulls the trigger, he needs to keep in mind all the other lives at stake in this decision. With one knee hitting the ground, you manage to give her Dad a heart attack, flutter the heart of her Mom, temporarily break the heart of your Mom, win over the hearts of her friends and pissed off every guy in your circle that is still perfectly content using the endearing term of “girlfriend.”
Sure, it’s all fun in the end, but I think the cavemen were onto something from the beginning. What’s wrong with tying a little grass around the woman’s ankle and claiming her, “Meat off Market”? Then, we could all focus on more important marital issues-like who’s doing the dishes.
