March 2010
2 posts
Divine Intervention
Lent.
A time where you’re supposed to give up something you really really like so that you show God you can make some sacrifices too. “Hey, keep those nails away from me, man, but I’m giving up Cheetos!”
And, during Lent, a good Catholic boy is supposed to abstain from meat on Fridays. Well, this good Catholic boy doesn’t like fish (not meat?) so I’m reduced...
July 2009
1 post
An Escape from Fantasy
If you think about it, we live in a very fictitious world. Especially in a place like Ohio where we like to dine at exotic restaurants to make us forget we are in…Columbus, Ohio. Like Cheeseburger in Paradise, for instance. Enter this ambient-overload diner complete with fake palm trees, recorded tunes and syrup-berry margaritas spinning ravenously in a tub full of ice and artificial colors....
March 2009
1 post
December 2008
3 posts
Gravy
I loved coming home for Thanksgiving dinner, like a squirrel stocking up for a long winter of cafeteria food. After three months of Ramen noodles, I couldn’t wait for the Turkey dinner. Good to get home. Good to get home-cooked meals. I’d imagine this was the last supper before I’d be sent back to the slammer – one filled with an incessant line of students, hairnets and predictable menu items....
November 2008
4 posts
All Hallows' Evolution
Halloween has many phases, and the trick-or-treat cycle seems to represent life in general.
EXUBERANCE
When you’re a kid, you live for it. You want the coolest costume and love dressing up. Candy is an amazing perk and the promise of 4 weeks of digging around in your pillow sack for one more Reese’s creates a building giddiness that starts in August. You have a consummate zest for life and the...
Pop Song Lyric Translations →
When you really break it down, all songs fit into three categories:
1) Getting together
2) Growing apart
3) Dreaming about being chased on a flying potato sack by a wolf, a clown and a bag of Rice Krispies treats.
Good old McSweeney’s took bucket #1 a step further and translated 50 pop songs into a one-sentence synopsis for each. Enlightening to say the least.
...
Second-class Citizens
Make no mistake: middle-class is different than second class. I grew up middle class and it was great, but being second-class is never so apparent than when you’re boarding a flight. First, obviously, they board the first-class passengers¾which you initially think doesn’t make much sense because they are at the front of the plane and you’ll just have to walk through them, trying not to knock over...
October 2008
4 posts
America the Arrogant?
I bought a world map the other day and it really put things in perspective for me.
All of my adult life, the world has been telling me that I’m a self-righteous, pompous and snooty-nosed because I live in Columbus, Ohio which happens to be a city in the superpower, The United States of America. My geographical location supposedly dictates my personality. You know, like saying everyone in Seattle...
Goggles from Google →
Ever woke up and half-remembered, kind of regretted, an email you sent the night before professing your love for someone you just met with a homemade haiku and a closing line of spite for never returning your calls? Me either. But, if you did, these email goggles would have been nice. http://gmailblog.blogspot.com/2008/10/new-in-labs-stop-sending-mail-you-later.html?foo
September 2008
16 posts
Trump Card
So, I’m in a faux-heated conversation with my friend Brandon the other day (our version of a cup of Joe or a cigarette break) and we uncovered gold. Something that should be taught in every high school debate class across the country and something that McBama could use to put this whole thing to bed.
Sure, the polar bears are last decade’s fanny packs and we are on the verge of...
The Palin Perspective →
Sarah Palin ran a town of 6,000 people. To put things in perspective, here are other venues that contain 6,000 people.
Life: Unplugged
So I’m sitting here in complete darkness, aside from the illuminating glow of my Mac, a cucumber melon candle and a pumpkin spice candle (it’s what we had, okay?). The laptop tells me I have 13% power left so I charge my phone as I write this post. 13% or roughly a half hour before darkness consumes our house. I feel like we should be boarding up windows, hanging garlic cloves and strategically...
More and more Cowbell →
Got a fever? Kill it with this ingeniously funny site.
The joke that never dies.
http://www.morecowbell.dj/
A 365-Day Difference
I recently celebrated a relative’s birthday and realized the birthday is proof that people are never fully content.
When you are 3, you can’t wait to be four. So much that you proclaim with five fingers, “I’m 3. And a half!”
When you are 12, you can’t wait for 13 and to be referred to as an official “teenager.”
When you finally turn 13, you have 16 in sight and when you turn 16 nothing compares...
To bring or not to bring? →
Every morning, I check the weather app on my iPhone. But, you know, it’s just not convenient enough. I want to know a simple answer to a simple question: do I need a freakin’ umbrella today?
Alas, this website will tell you, but will also send you daily text alerts at the time of your choosing.
Simple. Brilliant. Lazy.
See if you’re going to get wet at www.umbrellatoday.com
Dogs and Sweaters
Did you know that Americans spend more on their pets than their own people? Really. I mean there’s an entire aisle of food in the human grocery store solely dedicated to pets. Not to mention the stores. I can’t even figure out what I want on a trip to Kroger; I thought the dog was supposed to be a no-brainer.
Does my dog really care to have cheese on his hamburger-flavored pellets? Is it time for...
Makin' babies from photos →
August 2008
10 posts
American Dreams
People are obsessed with death these days. What’s really funny is that we have begun to plan for our own deaths. It costs a lot and we feel kind of bad stiffing family with the bill, so we’re encouraged to choose a funeral home, a casket, a cemetery and maybe even a eulogist. All before the first cough.
I’ve heard this new trend where some people even hold a funeral while they are alive, so they...
Face Time
You can learn a lot about a person if you look at their fridge. For some reason, highly personal information (bills, grades, termination letters, love notes) is on display for all your guests. Sure, the hope of a piece of lasagna waiting at the back of Shelf Two can be pretty distracting, but c’mon, people notice this stuff.
Come to think of it, the entire kitchen is an anomaly. And, if the...
Monday or Groundhog Day?
Did you have this conversation today in the elevator/break room/kitchen/at the water cooler?
Coworker 1: How was the weekend?
Coworker 2: Good. The weather is amazing.
Coworker 1: Isn’t it! Feels like fall.
Coworker 2:
a) 87% men reply with, “Yeah, football is in the air.”
b) 73% women reply with, “Yeah, what happened to our summer?! This means the cold is right around the corner.”
Coworker 1: So,...
Me vs. Alarm Clock
They say adults should get about 7 hours of sleep. Why do the kids get to hoard all the slumber?
Anyway, I shouldn’t be upset with the kids. But direct my angst instead toward the alarm clocks. And the guys who make those form-fitting mattresses. What tremendous pressure they put on us?
If you tell me I need seven hours of sleep to function, I believe you. I wake up around 7:30 in the morning....
July 2008
13 posts
The Salad Struggle
How many times does the waitress have to come over and ask, “Have we decided yet?” before it’s okay to end the small talk and peruse the menu for your choice? What’s the courteous number? Two? Three? Honestly, I need to know, because it takes me awhile to decide what I want and I can’t completely relax or engage in conversation with someone sitting across from me until I know what food item I’ll...
“Just Cover Your Privates.”
– Viper Room dress code
WatchNinjas + The Onion = Genius
The Sword in the Stone
The little diamond betrothed around a woman’s finger during an engagement could quite possibly be one of the most powerful elements on planet Earth. That moment, when you are down on one knee or foolishly displayed on the Jumbotron at the ballgame, is the moment when you possess the utmost power as a man. Because the very next moment, when the ring leaves your hand and transfers to her finger, so...